Not so many years ago I found my self crumpled in the back of a small foreign car, sobbing so hard I could barely breathe into the arms of my ex-lover. Surrounded by friends that were much closer to David than I was, I felt like a big fat phony. Driving away from his memorial, in the place where the river took him under, grief flooded out of me in a way I could not contain. At the time I barely understood it. I apologized and rationalized. Even to him, and to his memory I said a small prayer of atonement. "Dear David, you were loved so deeply by so many, I am sorry and embarrassed for the crater of loss I am falling into in front of those who loved you most." I knew the feelings spilling out of me were real, but they didn't feel entirely like my own. Settling back into the routine of my life I came to understand what happened in that moment, my energetic dam had overflowed and broken. From the moment I knew he was gone until that car ride a week later, I had been absorbing others' loss, anger, confusion, and sorrow. 

I received the news of his death after a dinner party I hosted but had excused myself from mid meal. For no apparent reason I felt a panic attack coming on. Lying in my attic bedroom reminding myself to breathe, I know now that I felt his passing. Or I felt the panic, shock and fear of those dear to me that were with him went he drowned. Not even an hour later, I got the call. 

Through out my girlhood I learned to absorb energy with intention and concentration. Sometimes I might use it to diffuse arguments or keep men interested but I always knew it wasn't right. I could never get a handle on what I was working with. At the funeral and the events leading up to it I tried to apply this knowledge by being sponge-like, soaking up, and pulling out grief from my dear ones with a hug or a hand on the heart. But there was nowhere within my being for that energy to go; my max absorption had been reached and the sponge started to overflow. A skilled energy worker might have sent the pain back into the earth's core to be burned up or, they might have used their breath to blow that darkness into the ether to dissipate into the universe. Not knowing these techniques and mainly by playing around with big stuff I had no training in, naturally, I cracked.   

In reiki, you are not working with your energy or with the energy of the receiver because, reiki has it's own consciousness. To quote a friend, "You are the hose and reiki is the water." In this way, it is harmless, sustainable, self-renewing and endlessly healing. I say this but also admit that daily, I remain in disbelief to the reality of reiki. Meaning that I am shocked by it's existence, it's tactile quality, it's power. My sister recently told me that I am starting to sound religious. It's okay, I completely agree with her. I am learning to have faith in the unexplainable. I am putting my trust in the power of my ability to channel a divine presence. My soul is being soothed.

And as always, the proof is in the pudding people. 

After a long, emotional session of reiki I remain energized, joyful, calm. Never do I feel weighed-down, strung-out or over-filled. Scratch that, I do feel over-filled, over-filled with love for our world and joy for the beauty surrounding me. I gain clarity within my thoughts, and I feel the nourishment of my existence. My life force is strengthened not depleted.

As a child science was not my favorite subject. It's how it was taught. The proverbial "they" managed to convince me that science was all about method and less about curiosity and wonder. Even still, my most vivid memories within the classroom involve experiments and the study of space. I developed an intense, almost romantic, love for the Hubble Space program and the images it produced. Joni Mitchell says, "we are stardust, we are golden", even as a little one I recognized the connection of our divine selves to the beauty I found in the far-reaching images of the universe. We are all stardust baby, sometimes we just need to free our minds and relax into the great mystery. Reiki allows this relaxation of body, energetic body and mind. True reality is free to bubble up. I feel so safe using this gift of pure healing energy from above. I will be forever grateful for this discovery. You could say, reiki takes us back to the garden. 

Woodstock by Joni Mitchell

I came upon a child of God
He was walking along the road
And I asked him, where are you going
And this he told me
I'm going on down to Yasgur's farm
I'm going to join in a rock 'n' roll band
I'm going to camp out on the land
I'm going to try an' get my soul free
We are stardust
We are golden
And we've got to get ourselves
Back to the garden

Then can I walk beside you
I have come here to lose the smog
And I feel to be a cog in something turning
Well maybe it is just the time of year
Or maybe it's the time of man
I don't know who l am
But you know life is for learning
We are stardust
We are golden
And we've got to get ourselves
Back to the garden

By the time we got to Woodstock
We were half a million strong
And everywhere there was song and celebration
And I dreamed I saw the bombers
Riding shotgun in the sky
And they were turning into butterflies
Above our nation
We are stardust
Billion year old carbon
We are golden
Caught in the devil's bargain
And we've got to get ourselves
Back to the garden





I'd like to dedicate this post to my friend David Osborn, and the lessons I learned from his time on earth and also from his passing. Dave, your light shined brighter than anyone I know, stars danced in your eyes every time you smiled. Keep beating on that drum my man. 

Don't worry darlings, the public library can save your soul. Or at least it can enlighten you, as it did me, on the wonderful life, work, and legacy, of this incredible woman. Pick up this PBS worthy documentary or something similar to find your eyes wide open, just like the inviting petals of her sexy flower studies...

Most likely O'Keeffe has been on my mind lately because of the recent adventures of my friends Adam and Alicia Rico of Bows and Arrows Florals in Dallas, TX. Known for their distinctive style and ability to be always one step ahead, Bows and Arrows are currently hosting educational floral workshops in culturally rich locales such as Ghost Ranch. (O'Keefee's dude ranch in the high desert of New Mexico) 

Look at this woman! The lust for life in that grin, the grip of his belt loop, that ready pose, the possibility of a thrilling ride just ahead...this photograph is everything. 

To me, Georgia seems unshakable, and strong, like the rock faces of her beloved desert. Portraits portray her smiling and outside, spending her days in the sun as she pleases. Or, they capture her pensive, powerful and feminine, mysteriously embodying the muse and the creator to the camera's derisive eye. To be honest, it is overwhelming to compare your existence to someone who seems so....well, full. Some days I feel that artists are just people that have learned to channel their emotions into the medium of their choice. Individuals contextually sharing their stories, showing their world view through their mastery and play. Artists like O'Keeffe seem to live and breathe their art through every action of their day. Barn with snow, 1934, oil on canvas, O'Keeffe created after a stay in a mental ward for psycho-neurosis.  In the Kultur documentary mentioned above, this work is said to represent her own hibernation. It is as if she and the barn were lying in wake for the coming spring, they are both waiting for the snow to melt. 

Winter in Seattle has come once again making me feel connected to this barn in a way I can only describe as collaborative. I want to rub elbows with this barn, bear hug this barn, and put wool socks with hand warmers in this barn's boots. For it, I would sacrifice my Seattle staple (my mustard yellow beanie) so that this barn can keep the wind out of it's ears and the rain off its roof. 

How is your life an extension of the art that you hope to create? This week can you become less reactionary and more intentional with how you channel your emotions?

I encourage you to learn more about Georgia O'Keeffe and in doing so you may find that you see yourself and the world in a whole new way.